I was wrong about you.

"If you want to show a man love as a woman, respect him and demonstrate unwavering loyalty"...

Anger.

That is what sets the tone for this one. The belief system you see up above is something I want to do. I have the capacity to love, respect my partner, and demonstrate loyalty. But it does not always work.

This is not just a belief system, this is an equation. And I have to accept that I did not do my work. 

You cannot demonstrate loyalty and respect to a person who is not a man and expect to be appreciated as a woman. You need the right ingredients to get the right results. It is just too bad that I chose to love on a fraud.

*** 

I think I am angry at the fact that I was wrong about you. I wanted to believe what I imagined you could have been. But you didn't want it for yourself. You saw me as a item to tack on your short receipts of achievements. And I made you look good, but as soon as I decided to walk away, the mask fell off and the smear campaign began.

It was to the death, right? Countless calls from your "homegirls" asking me "Girl, are you sure about this? He seems so down." I took a stand and told them that if you are too prideful to give me a call and talk it out, I am dead to you. And I meant what I said. I'm gone. The so called "dream girl" you knew is gone. 

Round 1 was when you decided to call my family members to spread lies about who I was. To my own family. Every one was on your side too. My mom tried to reason with me for so long about what I was doing. I didn't know why she still wanted you around. Perhaps her dream wedding was crashing down because I decided that I could not set myself up for spiritual suicide by marrying you. 

My uncle felt immense pity for you. I think he regrets it now, but he felt like I could not hear your voice clearly. Want you wanted. He thought you wanted support that I supposedly was not able to give you.  But after a few conversations with you, He knew what you were wanting all long. Control. To control the narrative. Because how dare Whitney come to her senses and leave me where I am? How can she want more for herself, and leave me broke and homeless? To the death right?

Round 2 was when you allowed your family and so called "friends" to manipulate me into putting up with you. "He's been through so much, you should understand." or "You guys grew up on different sides of the track, he needs someone with patience". No, you wanted a person to brag about. You wanted a person next to you for validation. You wanted a pretty pawn who should make money for you and shut up, right? Well, how is that going for you?

Round 3 was when I knew death on the way. You could not find the strength to defend me when I was constantly disrespected by your "sister". You did not have the guts to even properly explain to her what boundaries meant to me and our terribly fragile union. She gave you gifts all throughout our courtship, and you still openly accept gifts from her now, without remorse (seems like you got your birthday wish after all). When I told you about the revelation I had...you leaving me on the alter to run off with her... You never reassured me. Because I wasn't worth it to you. And I get it now.

I am too stubborn to ever unblock you, because I am dead and gone. Just know you are beneath me, and I sincerely hope this tribulation brings you closer to Christ. That it becomes your testimony to do better. But for the meantime, I was wrong about you. 

***