being human is ghetto

So I'm still affected. 5 months out from canceling the wedding, and I'm still dealing with this loss. I used to believe you can only grieve someone who has died but I'm still managing to get through this. 

I would have been married for a month. The holidays would have spent so much more differently--with a hug or maybe a kiss and perhaps the thought that I was worth it for someone. Its ok though; I'm surrounded by loved ones who keep me smiling, managing to make it through the cold and quiet nights. 

I keep my focus on the promise. Keep reminding myself that my time will come where I can comfortably give the love I so much have bottled up inside. Weird right? I'm affected because I want to love but I know that I have to start from scratch in finding someone who is worthy of it. Someone who won't betray me. Someone who is just as excited about me as I am about them. Hence, being human is ghetto. 

It's harder when it's the holidays and everyone is talking about what they are grateful for, or what they want for Christmas. What I want cannot be bought or negotiated. And it's hard to express this sense of hopelessness and grief when "it's the most wonderful time of the year." So I tactful smile and keep my thoughts to myself. Why ruin the mood? 

And yes, I called the wedding off. Because I simply had to. I was going to be heading in the wrong direction for my life, but grieving the relationship has been the hardest concept. How do you grieve dysfunction? How do you grieve someone who couldn't take you seriously enough to change for the better? How do you grieve lovelessness? 

I want to say sorry, but these are the things that no one talks about. Maybe you'd appreciate my perspective. But it's hard. 

Thanks for reading. I'll be in a better mood next time. 

Whitney